July 13th

Oh wow, 3 years. I've been with Josh for almost 3 years! For some reson Im excited for this one =) I want to make this day really special, but theres just too much going on. Josh will most likely have work that day and the day he does have off, hes going to be doing errands T_T and on the 13th Sader wants me to go with him to buy cloth to make curtains for his room. I would make him a cake but he doesnt like cake lol he likes pies and thats even harder to back from scratch. I feel bad, he does so much for me but I cant do anything for him blarghghghgh So much stacked against thisday being great, but I MUST SUCCEED! He means so much to me, I have to do my best to make this day (which ever day we end up celebrating it) the best I can. I do have something in mind but I would need some help pulling it off, not only that but I need money too lmao ugh I really do wish I had a job.

Well, what ever ends up happening I hope we have fun TOGETHER! lol

to be completely honest, I'm terrified about Friday. Im going to a themed surprise party (the theme is Cowboys) and Im so scared of looking ridiculous. I found this plaid button up shirt that looks really nice and I found a couple of shirts that Josh might like to wear. My brother is trying to get me to wear his old cowboy hat, but i dont know. Im too scared that people at the party (mostly people I dont know) might either laugh at me or look at me dirty. Believe me, it wouldn't be the first time I would be getting that. Just the thought of it makes me want to say I cant go, or make up some kind of excuse for not going. yeah I know there will be some of my friends there but tbh I've never been comfortable around friends, well at least not all of my friends. Josh keeps trying to convince me that they do actually like me but its hard to believe. the only time I see them is at get togethers, parties, trips, etc. They rarely ever talk to me otherwise. The only person that actually talks to me is Sader. But to be fair, Im the one who pushed them away.

After high school was over, and I started losing contact with friend after friend, I became more antisocial. I gained a lot of weight too, which obviously didn't help that, and in turn became more self conscious. I noticed more and more how people may see me. The thought of getting dirty looks for being overweight makes me want to cry, but thats what I'm faced with. As of right now, my biggest fear is ending up looking like my sister, and I see myself looking more and more like her everyday. Theres something else on my mind too. School. I remember, at Marlene's welcome home party, I announced to everyone there that I was going back to college, at the time I was soo ready to go back and start over, but as the days went on I got more and more terrified. This fear of failing is petrifying! I have no confidence in myself to go back I mean what would I take? do I even have a remote chance of transferring to a university? What will I major in? I have no motivation and tons of questions.

I just WISH all these insecure thoughts would just fucking GO WAY!! uughg....