Oh man, its August already?!

After months of putting it off and finally finding the courage, I attempted to get myself some classes. Unfortunately, I failed. I'm a bit upset about it, but I wont let it hold me back this time. This has happened to me before and i let it get to me, making me afraid that this will happen every time i try to do something right. But this time is different, I actually have people that honestly care about me and that are willing to go out of their way to help me through this process! I applied to Mission and Pierce for classes, but all the classes I needed weren't available. I freaked out really bad, and txt Sader and Josh about. They were completely awesome about it! They calmed me down saying it would be ok, we'll work something out. Sader came the next day and sat down with me for 3 hours writing down a schedule for both Pierce and Mission. OMG I dont even know how he did it!

That was on Sunday, and today I tried adding the classes he suggested, but it turns out I have a hold on my account with Mission for 160 plus 11 for the health thing. So before I can get any classes at either college I must pay off those fees. It worries me tho, Josh said to wait until he gets his check and he'll pay it off, but the longer I wait the less likely I'll get any classes. I would ask my mom to pay for it, but thats most likely NOT gonna happen. Shes a school buss driver and since theres no summer school this year, she wont be working till school starts up again. Which, by then, will be be to late for me.

I do have other things on my mind tho. We're getting evicted from our apartment, because of the lack of work during summer. Mom was late on paying the rent by a few days and they would not accept her payment. So now we are looking for somewhere else to live. My mom is really pushing me to move in with Josh and I know it will be ok with him, but I don't want to. I feel like I'd never be able to be comfortable at his house especially now that hes working 6 days a week.

Something else that happened not to long ago. My "best friend" Maria decided I was unstable as a friend and will no longer be talking to me. She has cut me off from all communication with her so as to "not depress her with my life." Yeah, I was fucking devastated... I wanted to die, I mean she really was the only friend I had that I trusted with EVERYTHING. I considered her my family. Even my mom considered her family. I understand she wants to better her life and all, but what I don't get it was sparked it? What was the catalyst that made her decided then and there to never speak to me again? I mean I understand we rarely talk anymore but how does that affect your success? The more I thought about it the more depressed I became. Friends just keep dropping like flies... Josh was upset at me for crying about it, and at her for making me feel like shit about my life. Even though he was mad, he was awesome about it. He calmed me down (as usual) and told me everything will work itself out. Oh AND he bought me a fucking amazing camera! But that was a surprise gift for our anniversary.

Before that happened, a more tragic event occurred. I found out the father or a few of my friends from Canoga died in a car accident. When I heard about it, I was in shock. I started to cry so hard, he was such an amazing person and I only knew him a semester while at Canoga. His daughters are amazing people, they did not deserve to lose such an awesome father. That was actually the first time I've been to a funeral. If anything good came out of his death, it was I found a lost friendship I had with his daughters, a friendship that was lost when I moved back to Kennedy. If I say anymore I wont able to stop crying so lol yeah thats all I'll say about that.

I will end this on a brighter note, that cowboy themed party I talked about a couple posts ago was freaking amazing!!! it was soo much fun! We all had a great time! PLUS there was a freaking MECHANICAL BULL! hahaha that was hilarious! there was alot of pictures and video but idk when i'll get around to actually uploading them on facebook lol some day soon i hope.

July has been the most bipolar month ever. I'm happy its over!

July 13th

Oh wow, 3 years. I've been with Josh for almost 3 years! For some reson Im excited for this one =) I want to make this day really special, but theres just too much going on. Josh will most likely have work that day and the day he does have off, hes going to be doing errands T_T and on the 13th Sader wants me to go with him to buy cloth to make curtains for his room. I would make him a cake but he doesnt like cake lol he likes pies and thats even harder to back from scratch. I feel bad, he does so much for me but I cant do anything for him blarghghghgh So much stacked against thisday being great, but I MUST SUCCEED! He means so much to me, I have to do my best to make this day (which ever day we end up celebrating it) the best I can. I do have something in mind but I would need some help pulling it off, not only that but I need money too lmao ugh I really do wish I had a job.

Well, what ever ends up happening I hope we have fun TOGETHER! lol

to be completely honest, I'm terrified about Friday. Im going to a themed surprise party (the theme is Cowboys) and Im so scared of looking ridiculous. I found this plaid button up shirt that looks really nice and I found a couple of shirts that Josh might like to wear. My brother is trying to get me to wear his old cowboy hat, but i dont know. Im too scared that people at the party (mostly people I dont know) might either laugh at me or look at me dirty. Believe me, it wouldn't be the first time I would be getting that. Just the thought of it makes me want to say I cant go, or make up some kind of excuse for not going. yeah I know there will be some of my friends there but tbh I've never been comfortable around friends, well at least not all of my friends. Josh keeps trying to convince me that they do actually like me but its hard to believe. the only time I see them is at get togethers, parties, trips, etc. They rarely ever talk to me otherwise. The only person that actually talks to me is Sader. But to be fair, Im the one who pushed them away.

After high school was over, and I started losing contact with friend after friend, I became more antisocial. I gained a lot of weight too, which obviously didn't help that, and in turn became more self conscious. I noticed more and more how people may see me. The thought of getting dirty looks for being overweight makes me want to cry, but thats what I'm faced with. As of right now, my biggest fear is ending up looking like my sister, and I see myself looking more and more like her everyday. Theres something else on my mind too. School. I remember, at Marlene's welcome home party, I announced to everyone there that I was going back to college, at the time I was soo ready to go back and start over, but as the days went on I got more and more terrified. This fear of failing is petrifying! I have no confidence in myself to go back I mean what would I take? do I even have a remote chance of transferring to a university? What will I major in? I have no motivation and tons of questions.

I just WISH all these insecure thoughts would just fucking GO WAY!! uughg....

Sitting at Josh's computer (again), waiting for him to wake up. David got a Starcraft 2 Beta key and cant decide who to give it to, Eric or Josh. I wouldn't know either if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want either of them to be mad. I do think he is leaning more towards Josh though, but I really don't know. Ryan got a key from one of his friends so most likely him and David are gonna play together. once Eric get on vent I have to wake josh up so they can have the "discussion" about who gets the beta key lol. Josh said something about "engaging in hand-to-hand combat" with Eric for it haha.

Thats one major reason why I love Josh, I enjoy his sense of humor and, for some reason, he likes mine, too haha...

anyway,

today is Saders' birthday. He's going bar-hoping with some of his co-workers, I hope he doesn't get sick lol. Collyn decided to throw him a little birthday dinner and we (ei. Ray, Danny, Collyn, Josh, and I) are meeting first at Joshs' then carpooling to Olive Garden. I'll call it to reserve a table for us so we wont have to wait like 90 hours for a table. Unless, of course, Collyn has already done that =) I like having something to look foward to, at home theres not much to do since my dads not there. My dad's still at the hospital. The other day he tried leaving by telling my fam that they were releasing him, but all he wanted was to see my brother. Ever since he first got sick, almost 10 years ago, Miguel has been at his side, cooking for him, cleaning, giving him his meds, everything. They have their fights, but they get over it within the hour, then you hear them laughing about it =). I think God meant for them to have the same name. Usually its the first born to get the fathers name, but for some reason my mom held it off till the third (and final) son lol.

Monthly Update time!

this one will be for the month of Jan and for Feb so far.

This year, there has been some health issues in my family, first it was my niece Marliene twisting her anckle and had to barrow josh's car to take her home, then it was my dad. He had another stroke and had 2 aneurysms on either side of his head, those bags are the blood they drained from his head... for about 2 1/2 weeks he couldn't talk clearly, his speech was slurred and with all the drugs he was soo drowsy. I was talking to my mom about his condition recently, and she was saying that the docs said he might not be able to come back home. He has improved alot from where he was when we took him to the emergency room, but nowhere near were he was 6 months ago... He was getting so much better before he fell and broke his collar bone, why did he have to fall? Ever since then hes been too afraid to get up on his own and has been wheelchair bound. And when he did want to get up to like use the bathroom or get a glass of water, we would lose balance and fall down again. It has been so tough for him these past 7-8 months, but through all of these hurdles, he's been such a trooper. The doctors say his memory is fading. He still recognizes people and can hold a conversation but after a while he forgets what he was doing and its like he just saw you walk in. Its only sometimes, though, but its one of the signs that the strokes and heart attack have really started to take their toll on his brain. The doc said his walking was bound to go out first, because of his back surgery when he was younger, but its still heartbreaking to see such an independent man become a dependent patient in a matter of months.

I love him so much, we are all going to visit him this Sunday.

Soon after my dad went into the emergency room, my little niece, Melany, followed on toe. She was having a really bad cough and turned as pale and a sheet of paper. Turns out she had pneumonia. How does a child of only 7 get pneumonia in this day in age you say? Well, shes had health issues since she was born. Especially with her breathing. shes had many surgeries to correct her breathing, her nasal cavity, and her ear canalBefore the surgery, it was very difficult to understand her. She had a bad speech impediment , not the ones where she stutters, but the ones where she slurs everything together. Not to be cute and get attention, but because thats how she heard everything, she thought thats how everything sounded. Her doctors said she couldn't hear high pitched frequencies like the "ts", "k", "ch", and "sh" sounds. All of these corrective surgeries meant she had to lose some of her filters, and on a such young age the immune system sometimes cant handle certain viruses on its own. So one night it just got too cold for her... Once she was in the hospital, they were amazed that such a young girl had pneumonia, then they saw her medical history and understood why. They put her on oxygen and other meds right away, you could tell they was work, cuz she started to talk and respond normally again. If she took off her mask, she would start coughing uncontrollably and this phlegm like liquid would come out of her here. she was so strong thru it tho, she didnt cry and she knew she needed to cough so she did want to put the mask back on till she got it all out. Believe me, it was really hard for me to just to watch.

She is much better now. It went away after about 2 weeks and she got to stay home for a few more days from school after that, she was very pleased lol. Oh and btw she can speak normally now, and can hear all sounds =) The surgeries weren't all that bad , thats what I told my sister. She was so mad that Melany kept getting sick, but I reminded her that all of it was necissary for her to lead a normal life in the future. She thanked me for calming me down and bought me some tacos lol.

I love my family and I am thankful for the good health that I have now. Please pray for my fathers health to improve, whoever is reading this!

Love Always,

Liz